I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
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I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.