I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
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Butt weight. There’s more!
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
We found love in a hopeless place.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?