I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
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snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
ME: and the hell, is it fresh?
2025: oh yes, the freshest
ME: wonderful, and is that my…
2025: your handbasket, yes
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
That’s amazing.
