Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
I wonder if caterpillars know they’re gonna fly some day or they just start building a cocoon and are like ‘why am I doing this’.
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My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with bodybuilding.
I could feel the weight lifting from my shoulders.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
[Me as a getaway driver] Ok before we set off does anyone need the toilet?
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”
*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”