I wonder if caterpillars know they’re gonna fly some day or they just start building a cocoon and are like ‘why am I doing this’.

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My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with bodybuilding.

I could feel the weight lifting from my shoulders.


Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!

Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.

Both: Never again.



Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.


The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”


A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.


[Me as a getaway driver] Ok before we set off does anyone need the toilet?


[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what


I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”


[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”

*Eats rice with chop sticks*

“Holy shit! When can you start?!”