I wonder if caterpillars know they’re gonna fly some day or they just start building a cocoon and are like ‘why am I doing this’.

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In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.


I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase


I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”


I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”


Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…


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Me: Same


I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.


This sushi restaurant has the worst service ever.
“Sir, this is an aquarium.”