I have a new favorite meme page
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If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.