Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor’s yard to cut it down is an art.
I wonder if caterpillars know they’re gonna fly some day or they just start building a cocoon and are like ‘why am I doing this’.
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TRAVEL AGENT: thats your flight booked sir, where would you like to be seated ?
ME:*nervously* inside the plane
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I suck at video games. I mess up the character’s life like I have my own. I played Mario today and he ended up $60K in debt and had 4 DUIs.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I spent the day in nature and by nature I mean drinking beer on a golf course.
I saw a butterfly.
Cop: this him?
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
*being pulled away by security from flamingo pen at the zoo with a handful of pink feathers and a black eye*
HE STARTED IT