I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
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Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
i was baptized in a car wash
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.