I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
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This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
💀💀💀💀
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Close call…
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife