Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.

*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.

Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.

But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’

Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro

Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

Customer is always right

I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

[having a discussion]

BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee

I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.

WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*

Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song

Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

Cop: freeze sucker

Me: it’s called a popsicle

“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.

Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition

I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.