I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
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Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now