Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.

what if we kissed on the garfield couch

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.

[Bear attack]

Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.

Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.

I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas

When I said I liked it rough.

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.

Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.

Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do

In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

[ explaining The Plan ]

jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs

god: look man, these ppl are idiots

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes

DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?

HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?

*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”

People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it

them: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture