I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.

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Atheists don’t believe in God or the “i before e except after c” rule of spelling.


Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…


Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”


Of course you don’t know ‘our song.’ You didn’t know we were even dating, silly. Or that the girl you had lunch with is in my trunk.


Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.


Boss: you’re late

Me: traffic

Carol: he was in his car taking selfies again

Me: goddammit Carol, I will cut you


A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having


You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.


*el chapo dies*
God: okay I’m gonna have to send you to hell
Chapo: ok
*3 weeks later*
Angel: El Chapo has escaped from hell


I work with a guy named Rick.

I’m pretty sure he spells his name with a silent “P.”