@howe007

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.

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@WonderMonkey78

Atheists don’t believe in God or the “i before e except after c” rule of spelling.

@beersuds

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

@alesiavsworld

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

@kirbys4losers

Of course you don’t know ‘our song.’ You didn’t know we were even dating, silly. Or that the girl you had lunch with is in my trunk.

@FeverFlave

Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.

@DaddyJew

Boss: you’re late

Me: traffic

Carol: he was in his car taking selfies again

Me: goddammit Carol, I will cut you

@ShortSleeveSuit

A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having

@trevso_electric

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

@SatansTongue

*el chapo dies*
God: okay I’m gonna have to send you to hell
Chapo: ok
*3 weeks later*
Angel: El Chapo has escaped from hell

@aPunch2theJunk

I work with a guy named Rick.

I’m pretty sure he spells his name with a silent “P.”