I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
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*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*