Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*

I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

“Sooth.”

-a soothsayer

[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar

Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again

I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”

“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”

I would bang you so hard

over the head
with a frying pan

independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas

I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.

If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.

“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”

Aerosmith = Romantic

Me = Restraining Order

[therapy]

WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter

ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.

Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.

Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.

This morning in my local coffee shop.

Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”

Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”

#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes

If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.

This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab

No One:

No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?

Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.