I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
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dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …