I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
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A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
You are not alone 💚
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.