I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
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“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying