Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

Atheists are Popeless romantics.

*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room

[whispers] “you said debriefing”

Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested

Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.

*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*

Everyone naked?

Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

Wife: How was work?

Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into

W: I despise you

No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train

conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap

Me: That’s fine, take a nap

3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning

Me: Great!

3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!

Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!

I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”

I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.

[person having normal conversation with me]

Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response

Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids

Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.