Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.

Try it…”Bluetooth connected”

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.

Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

No, I haven’t seen any dogs

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I’m dismayed…

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes

We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.

I just won the traveling with kids lottery.

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

Ha

*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*

Bouncer: you still can’t go in

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.

[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”

GET OUT

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played