I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
You Might Also Like
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
I am a gravy boat captain
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies