I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
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Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)