I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
You Might Also Like
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
A lot of tenors look like they’re watching a T-Rex eat a kitten while they’re singing, but not ol’ Pavarotti. He looked like he was trying to remember where he parked his car.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
😂😂
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.