I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
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A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”