I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
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Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
😭😭
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Me: I roll to attack.
Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.
Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.
Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.
Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.