I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
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Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right