Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home

Be vigilant

Her: Undress me with your words…

Me: I saw a spider in your bra.

[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs

i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.

me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”

What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit

When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give