Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”

So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?

Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!

All the slides were just pictures of me….

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.

KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.

Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.

[listening to twenty one pilots]

ME: ok ok one at a time

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”

Coworker: How’s your worksite?

Me: I can see my work fine thank you.

Banana is the quietest snack

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..

You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home

When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.

me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top

*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!

Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?

9: It matters for two minutes.

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: February probably.