Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww

I missed you with all my darts

*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

#IWishIHadNever noticed

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.

Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.

[watching #diving]

ME: Huge splash! Nice!

ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.

ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.

you have three unread messages

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

*pulls up pants*

Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.

A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.