i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
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I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Got him!
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?