Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.

2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.

3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar

It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house

The difference is staggering

My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.

Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.

I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.

*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*

Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”

“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”

Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?

One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.

“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.

has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?

“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg

Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.