HER: this isn’t working out
ME: *putting sock puppet away* was it something he said?
I wonder if flies ever think, “I bet I could get this guy to slap himself in the face.”
Because they’d be right.
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I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
*camera pans to a pair of sneakers hanging over a power line*
*Sean Connery takes a long drag of his cigarette*
“It was a… shoeishide”
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
baby shoes, never worn.
should have bought adult shoes.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”