You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
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Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.