I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
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Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Story of my life…..
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.