I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
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I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.