I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
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My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic