I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
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ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
how long have you had this for?
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
OH. COME. ON.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.