I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
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On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Gas station lines at 2 am:
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!