I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
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Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates