i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
You Might Also Like
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.