i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
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Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.