Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.

WebMD: With the fishes.

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]

my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva

Same post same

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”

Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.

Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.

Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.

Me: Wanna bet?

When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…

Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.

That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right

-Goldilocks on Tinder

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me: