I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
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Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!