I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
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George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!