Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Give me $50

Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy

W: Eh?

M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers

W: IDIOT

M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!

W: I despise you

There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.

Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

Choose your fighter

I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”

I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

*duck waddles into bar

Duck: Bread

*bartender takes slice out of bag

D (angry): Just leave the loaf

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

[trying to eat a pretzel]

the knot wizard hath defeated me again

On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.

[hospital]

Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!

Nurse: you have a great attitude!

Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )

Nurse: aw : )

[funeral]

My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.

monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you

me: [pulls covers over head] your move

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.