You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
You Might Also Like
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.