doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
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I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
*me flirting
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.