@jamisondg1

I wonder if in 100 years, ghosts of today will spell out “swag” or “bae” on the Ouija boards

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@jennfer46

Husband wanted me to go hunting today.
He bought me the cutest brown outfit and a cute lil hat, you know with the fake antl..wait a minute

@EndhooS

Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?

Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX

@GinAndJif

If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.

@NicestHippo

POLICE CHIEF: They call him the copycat killer
ONE OF THE COPS (mocking tone): They call him the copycat killer
[everyone looks at him]
Oops

@ThoughtOtter

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

@mattvbrady

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

@ShanaRose21

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

@Bearslietoo

My favorite part about being an adult is that my pillow fort now has a mini bar.