The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I wonder if in 100 years, ghosts of today will spell out “swag” or “bae” on the Ouija boards
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Husband wanted me to go hunting today.
He bought me the cutest brown outfit and a cute lil hat, you know with the fake antl..wait a minute
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
“Describe yourself in three words”
POLICE CHIEF: They call him the copycat killer
ONE OF THE COPS (mocking tone): They call him the copycat killer
[everyone looks at him]
Me at a wine tasting:
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
My favorite part about being an adult is that my pillow fort now has a mini bar.