i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
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[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.