Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.

Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.

Someone garnished my wage.

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

I didn’t know they can drive…

Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.

sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people

Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.

Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter

Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is

Boss: …

Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’

If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”

Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.

Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.

Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.

My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

Me: *winks*

Him: *googles signs of a stroke*

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too

I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*