Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’

The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that

OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners

no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain

Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks

Q: “How long were you at your last job?”

A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”

Terribly Tuesday.

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.