Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.

Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

*whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco

My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning

😉

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.

[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]

Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.

I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.

Secret Panel HERE 🤘

You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day

When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…

Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”