I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
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*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.