Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.

sometimes i miss this memes

Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.

Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*

7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.

[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want

If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”

I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.

I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.

At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.