Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns

Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.

Wait, what

my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT

Obituaries should have clickbait titles

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

JUDAS: any weekend plans?

JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided

JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both

JESUS: what?

JUDAS: what?

Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?

Me: *long awkward pause* A while…

Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…

[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.

Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.

Voting is the worst group project

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*