Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?

Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-

I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”

I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.

FINE, it was me!

okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?

[PRESS CONFERENCE]

Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby

Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?

Me: sure, whoever

Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.

[hand sensing faucet factory]

Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software

Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy

Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is

I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?

*goes home*

Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.

[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

Fixed this for Shakespeare