@dimestorec0wgrl

I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too

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@dog_feelings

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

@9GAG

Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.

@squirrel74wkgn

WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?

@tkhan74

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

@lawking30

I photobombed my pal’s passport photo & now they won’t let him through customs unless I’m behind him waving my hands in the air like a putz.

@AaronFullerton

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

@iGreenMonk

My grandfather died during sex. I still cry when I watch the video.

@OtherDanOBrien

Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?