I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
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[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
😲 WTF? 😆
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
The pen is writier than the sword.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.