Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram

I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.

1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].

Wife: omg he just took his first steps!

Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.

I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.

Me: OK, what’s the answer?

Him:

Me: *sips flask*

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced

one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making

“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes

“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.

I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.

Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.

No wonder we all hate him.

New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.