I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
You Might Also Like
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Optional boss fight.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?