Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.

Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.

getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy

Me: How is your chicken?

Mario: It needsa salt.

Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap

there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.

“FRAAANCE!”

Where is that goddamn asteroid already

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”

Perfect

babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry

97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.

Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!

If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.