I wonder if Mary and Joseph hated putting away the Christmas stuff as much as I do
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Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Netflix: We have Less
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
no one likes gloating
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”