I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
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job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Shoo shoo! 😂
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.