I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
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I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Same post same
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*