For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
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When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid