I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
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waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
*door in my house opens on its own*
me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure
the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.