I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
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therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
