I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
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Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows