Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.

I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.

Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah

My age is news to me every single time I remember

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch

this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]

*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*

MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.

imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains

coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.

me: God?

coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.

me: (nods) Cheesus.

Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”

[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

Me: do that thing I like

Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

oppen heimer style lol

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread