I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
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People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.