I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
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If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes