I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
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[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
me hooking up with my ex
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!