I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
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Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*