I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
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Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times