I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
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Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
I have so many questions.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one