Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is

Dog 911: what’s ur emer-

Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME

Dog 911: so?

Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying*

*By a massive crocodile

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way

[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?

Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.

ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”

“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”

– me, talking to the fridge

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old

Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.

These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.

“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer