Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this

“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”

– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck

Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”

7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”

You got it, brother. 🫡

Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”

Me: “I would wait.”

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.

Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?

Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out

*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.