I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
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Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
I am yelling
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
You had me at “define legal”.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
I never needed anything more in my life
Swedish for common sense.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.