I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
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I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.